War is perhaps the most horrible phenomenon to have arisen in the long eons of human existence. Lest the beginning of this banter turn out to be a dry joke in the style of `Mrs. Kennedy, if we leave aside the assassination for a moment, tell us how you liked the parade in Dallas` - I would like to refer to something more than lamenting about human suffering and material losses as something that is implied in every banter on the subject of War.
So if we really have to leave the listed evils aside - we will again come to the above conclusion that war is total crap because it is the biggest consumer of resources, mobilizes the entire economy for extremely destructive purposes, sucks up all the energy of the population and leaves tails that drag until Judgment Day and maybe some time after...But there are also those wars that, if we go by the logic of `choosing the lesser evil` - a person would want them, would even be happy if they had to go through a war on their life trajectory, and that war is the same or similar to the Anglo-Zanzibar War of 1896. To be precise, from August 1896. More precisely, from August 27, 1896. And most precisely from 09:00 to 09:45 in the morning according to the East African time zone.
At first glance, a joke that does not abound with humor - nevertheless, such a war that lasted 45 minutes happened and is a bizarre historical fact. As well as the fact of the existence of a state on the island of the same name called Zanzibar. Or the fact that this state the size of a coffee cup was put up against the greatest Empire that humanity has had the misfortune to experience - the British Empire of Queen Victoria of Hanover, compared to which the empires of the alleged bisexual from Pella, the extremely horny Mongol Khan, the Corsican dwarf or the monotesticular bearer of a funny mustache from Braunau am Inn - seem ridiculous and pathetic.
And how is it possible for such a thing as a war to last for a period of time that is barely enough for a person to spoil himself with a cup of coffee, a Marzipan cookie and quality Virginia tobacco?
Situated in a relatively important strategic position overlooking the competing Empire in its infancy, that of the Hohenzollerns and their Tanganyika (German East Africa) - the British imperial authorities had no objection to this island remaining independent as long as the Sultan came to the British Consulate in the City of Stone for a hand-kiss and a deep and humble obeisance. After the death of the last Sultan who was rational enough to bow as much as was asked of him, his successor named Khalid bin-Bargash had no such intention, so due to hereditary madness, due to a distorted perception of courage (or perhaps he was just 'caught' in the middle) and after ascending the throne on 25 August 1896 he broke the agreement according to which every Sultan upon ascending the throne must bow to the British Consul and inform him of his intentions.
Overcome with grandiosity, bin-Bargash decided to fight!
The next day the telegraph brought a 24-hour ultimatum, after which the British Royal Navy, at that time stronger than any two navies in the world combined, would enter the scene. What could Zanzibar defend itself with? Did it possess any super-weapons, could the mad Sultan bin-Bargash, on his part, summon the supernatural Demons of vengeance? To counter this superpower, the Zanzibar fleet had an old Frigate (at a time when frigates with combined steam and sail propulsion were already a relic of some long-gone era) called Glasgow (!?), perhaps because the Sultan was a fan of Celtic and perhaps even Rangers, although I doubt it. Apart from being a warship - it also served as a yacht for the needs of the pampered rulers of this small island. Other ships included one ocean-going merchant steamer (Nyanza), two coastal merchant steamers (Swordsman and Akola) and three small coastal steamers (Kiha, Esplorater and Barawa). Their purpose was to engage in trade, and for the needs of war they were extremely sparingly converted into so-called auxiliary cruisers by placing one or two cannons, a possible machine gun and a couple of infantry platoons with rifles on them.
The infantry could count on about 3,000 soldiers, a mixture of professional Sultan's guards, some real and many self-appointed officers, citizen volunteers who immediately signed up to defend their country, and the `cream` of this army was about 700 Askari, excellently trained Africans in colonial service of various empires. The artillery, in addition to two modern 75mm cannons, gifts from the neighboring ruler, the German Kaiser, and a dozen ancient cannons from the Napoleonic era with shot and black powder, also possessed at least one 9-barrel Gatling (those are those wonders that fire by turning a crank) and 6 modern Maxim machine guns, which were perhaps the most valuable inventory in this modest army.
The British reacted almost laconic, gathering the closest ships in the surrounding waters that had sufficient speed to arrive in time to enforce the ultimatum, led by the super-modern armored cruiser St. George of 7,500 tons - which in itself was incomparably stronger than the entire Zanzibar arsenal. The ad-hoc flotilla also included two light cruisers (Raccoon and Philomel) and two sloops (a small colonial patrol boat), Thrush and Sparrow. On them and on several merchant ships were also the landing forces with about 1,100 soldiers, of whom 900 were Askari and 200 members of the naval infantry (also known as `marines`). The ultimatum expired on the morning of 27.08.1896 at 09.00 and therefore the new Zanzibar government had a completely unforgettable 24 hours in which they tried to obtain recognition from foreign powers, rushing from consulate to consulate - they were rejected by the Americans and the Germans and the Portuguese... which means that they must have had a crazy night in anticipation of the British reaction. The Sultan, encouraged by the voices in his head, did not respond to the ultimatum at all...And the reaction was fierce and brutal, at the very minute of the deadline - the British ships opened fire on the Sultan's palace, the port and the Zanzibari ships, while simultaneously unloading the landing forces that rushed to protect their consulate, customs facilities (!?) and various key points around the city.
Encountering sporadic and extremely ineffective resistance, they achieved their goals in about thirty minutes. The comical Zanzibar artillery tried to shoot the British ships from the shore before being destroyed by the relatively accurate fire of the enemy. The naval ``battle`` was the most interesting moment, the frigate Glasgow opened fire on the St. George in a moment of unexpected courage. The first volley of the British was enough for the wooden Glasgow to be sunk and after about twenty minutes all the remaining Zanzibari ships were on the shallow bottom in front of the port. A memorable scene was the firing of Zanzibari sailors with rifles at the steel of the British ships...
Meanwhile, the palace was reduced to ruins, the 'domestic' Askaris powerless against the 'foreign' in the last attempt at defense, and the marines, supported by naval artillery, arrived because the British ships had already anchored in the harbor... and calmly, as if in practice, they were shooting at the opposing infantry. Reinforcements appeared on the streets from a company of 150 Sikhs, bearded turban-wearing and professional soldiers who were the last act that led to the unconditional surrender of the Zanzibari forces at 09.45.
The Sultan, whose true nature as a simple coward had predictably surfaced - terrified and hysterical, fled with fifty guardsmen to the German consulate. The British demanded extradition, but it was refused due to the high self-confidence of the German officials and because of the defiance of their colonial rival. A fortunate circumstance that saved the Sultan from the fate of Julian Assange was that the consulate was located on the very shore and the water was deep enough to allow a larger ship to enter, in this case the German light cruiser ``Zeadler`` which loaded the Sultan with the refugee retinue and took him to Dar es Salaam in front of the British fleet. However, the British remembered this character with particular resentment when the colony fell to them during the Great War in 1916. When Khalid bin-Bargash was imprisoned and later had the dubious honor of being exiled to the island of Saint Helena, the last refuge of the aforementioned Corsican dwarf. In his place was installed his relative Hamud bin-Mohammed, a legitimate Sultan, tailored to the needs of British interests. It was those dramatic 45 minutes that ended in an anticlimactic and without a heroic last-ditch defense of their sacred land by a mentally unstable ruler.
Certainly the shortest war in recorded history, this event will remain more famous than many larger and extremely bloody conflicts for its bizarreness and unusualness and for its convenience in finding itself on various Top Ten lists and historical curiosities. What will not be remembered is that the 45-minute quest for glory by a moronic government cost 540 dead, wounded and missing persons, all glorious sons of Zanzibari, ignorant enough to lay down their lives for...what? Well, for nothing, thanks for asking. As did millions of others around the world.
British casualties were - one wounded sailor...
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